Once when I was in the presence of the Lord, listening to music and enjoying Him, quite suddenly and unexpectedly the full weight of all my life’s experiences fell upon me hard (all the physical and emotional pain, the countless shocks and bitter disappointments, every heartache and heartbreak rushed forward to collectively represent my life), and in an instant, I was completely FILLED with a searing rage, a rage like a cacophony of screaming, snarling voices which completely enveloped me, so LOUD a rage that it drowned out every other sound. At that moment, I came within a hair’s breadth of turning around and walking away from the Lord forever. (The thought of how close I came never ceases to make me shudder).
But then, even in the midst of that roaring rage, deep in the deepest part of my heart, I yet could clearly hear His still, small voice… a speaking so quiet and calm and tender. His reply to me in my present state was simply, “Yes.” And in that gentle, intimate, caring “yes” He gave to me a sense of complete validation. My rage was understandable to Him. He wasn’t upset that I had it, and He didn’t hold it against me. That “yes” reassured me that in no way was my rage too dramatic or exaggerated.
Then, He continued. “But, you HAVE a choice.” I was stunned. Now all I was hearing were His words. “Really?” I thought. “I have a choice?”
Summoning all my energy, I quietly began to speak, saying, “I choose to believe that the Lord loves me. I choose to believe that He is not a ‘child abuser’. I choose to believe that He has been with me my entire life, and has a good purpose for all He’s allowed in my life. I choose to believe that He is a GOOD God! I choose to believe in the blood of Jesus, that was shed for me. I choose to believe that His plan for me, His way with me, is GOOD, and not evil. I choose to trust HIM in SPITE OF how I feel. I choose to believe in the love God has for me. (I said that last one three times.) Then, I fell instantly asleep and slept like a baby.
Though my circumstance did not change after that, I could feel that He had changed ME. Thank You, Jesus!